America’s Hands-on Congresswoman Kept her Promise
Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert’s future OnlyFans account got off to a promising start last month with a bit of booby groping, below-the-belt tugging and hearty vaping in a Denver theater packed with children during a performance of “Beetlejuice: The Musical.”
Unfortunately, her own hands-on performance ended with the gun-toting, Sarah Palin wannabe and her customer? companion being tossed from the theatre, but not before she employed a middle finger and the tired threat of, “Do you know who I am?!” This defense almost never works.
In fact, we do know who you are Ms. Boebert: a hypocritical “conservative,” “family values” grifter with an extensive rap sheet that is the envy of every aspiring rapper angling for street cred.
When the effects of whatever she was vaping wore off, Boebert’s camp issued several apologies ranging from sarcastic to silly. Her campaign manager Drew Sexton began the pushback with this off-the-cuff, poorly conceived bluster: “Congresswoman Lauren Boebert is indeed a supporter of the performing arts (gasp!). She pleads guilty to singing along, laughing and enjoying herself."
Next up on the apology to-do list was Boebert herself hoping for a sympathetic ear, blaming her randy behavior on the filing of her “public and difficult divorce” from soon-to-be relieved husband Jayson.
Jayson has his own rap sheet, most famously a 2004 arrest and conviction for “public indecency and lewd exposure,” which is the consequence of showing off his penis to patrons at a bowling alley, his own special way of asking, “Do you know who I am?”
When Boebert’s initial mea culpas did not stick—“Totally embarrassing bimbo,” posted Ann Coulter on X. “Embarrassing and disrespectful,” said newly indicted former Trump lawyer Jenna Ellis—our pistol-popping girl threw a second apology against the wall of public opinion. (When you’ve lost arch conservatives like Coulter and Ellis you know you’re in some deep do do.)
The “wall” this time was the uber-friendly One America News Network, where she said, “I was laughing, I was singing, having a fantastic time, was told to kinda settle it down a little bit, which I did, but then, my next slip up was taking a picture. I was a little too eccentric … I’m on the edge of a lot of things.” Watching the security video her lucky fella was also near the edge of perhaps a happy ending.
Later, she dashed off yet another apology, this one written, perhaps even by her. She was “truly sorry for the unwanted attention my…evening in Denver has brought to the community” and that her PDAs “simply fell short” of her values. Given her many past arrests and disturbances, I am not sure how short she fell.
Apparently her date night in Denver cost her an appearance at the Texas Youth Summit, where she was scheduled to speak. This grooming educational event exists to “educate youth on limited government, fiscal responsibility, American Exceptionalism, and [the] Judeo-Christian values America was founded on.”
The usual suspects bashing “libtards” while promoting the Great Replacement theory and gun rights will have to struggle on without her brilliant oratory skills. Charlie Kirk, Don Trump Jr., Kimmy Guilfoyle and a bunch of people I’ve never heard of will somehow pick up the mantle for Boebert. For those of you interested, a “Platinum Sponsorship” of a mere $20,000 will give you eight pictures with the event’s “All-Star lineup, and a “thank-you recognition on [the] main stage video board.”
Boebert spoke last year at the conference, sporting an off-the-shoulder white blouse, jeans and, to complete the ensemble, a pistol strapped to her leg. Why? Perhaps because guns are an important reminder to the kids that schools are no longer safe, well, from well-regulated adults enjoying their Second Amendment rights.
Because I try to be as open-minded as the “All-Star” speakers, I wasted 15 minutes or so of my diminishing lifespan to watch Boebert speech from last year. Along with hawking her book, bashing the “liberals in Martha’s Vineyard” with their “coexist stickers,” Boebert repeatedly quoted the Bible, linking the Founding Fathers to faith. She urged the assembled youth “that we have to put hands to something [my italics] to be a part of the solution.”
Did she intentionally leave the word something vague? But, thanks to the arousing video from Denver, we know exactly what those hands are capable of accomplishing.
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Stephen J. Lyons is the author of six books of reportage and essays, most recently “Searching for Home: Misadventures with Misanthropes” (Finishing Line Press).