My Anti-Weaponization Fund Request

Please compensate my pain and suffering.

[Note: first published in The Satirist https://www.thesatirist.com/]

whoismargot, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Acting sort of like the worst version of an Attorney General Todd Blanche:

Just in case you resurrect the Anti-Weaponization Fund, and I know you will, I am writing you with two requests: First, I feel you owe me $1776M (at least) for damages incurred over the last ten years. These damages include immense pain and suffering at the hands of President Donald J. Trump for his many un-Constitutional acts, false statements, illegal wars, and late-night rage tweets that have upset for much too long not only my fragile psyche but also my understanding of what the United States is, or currently what it used to be.

For almost seventy years I had believed that a certain classy decorum was required for our presidents and their administrations. They would, in the main, conduct themselves within the framework of the oath of the office: solemnly swear (or affirm) that they will execute the office and protect the Constitution. This oath assumes that the president had actually read the Constitution. Your client, through his actions over two terms, and the one in between that he falsely claims was stolen, obviously has never read this august document. In fact, I doubt if he has ever read anything beyond the many revenge lawsuits he has filed against his perceived enemies. Lawsuits, if I can be so bold, that you have championed both as his personal attorney and now as his Department of Justice Number 1 lap dog.

(As an aside, everyone knows you are trying so hard to please the president so that you can be installed as the permanent AG, but I must say that with each public appearance you look increasingly conflicted, troubled, and frankly, like shit. Swarthy, too, like a mobster in the witness protection program. If your life’s mission is to be the president’s Roy Cohen, be warned that another Trump attorney with the same surname who for years did the legal and not-so-legal dirty work for your guy did not, in the end, fare so well. Beware of one-way loyalty. Just saying. And for God’s sake get some rest!)

I had also assumed that all presidents would faithfully adhere to the apparently weak Emoluments Clause of the Constitution, Article I, Section 9, Clause 8. In case you have forgotten the clause, here it is: “No Title of Nobility [read No Kings] shall be granted by the United States: And no Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince, or foreign State.”

Yet, much to my despair, your boss and his family, aka the Trump Family Cartel, have raked in billions during the first year and a half of his second term through various crypto schemes, “donations” to such projects as the White House ballroom, and defense contracts. Speaking of the latter, one of too many examples surfaced this past week in ProPublica. The headline: “The White House Intervened to Get a $620 Million Deal for a Company Tied to Donald Trump Jr.” The money was lent to “Vulcan Elements, [and] Trump Jr.’s venture capital firm took an undisclosed stake in the company…the request to loan hundreds of millions of dollars to the firm linked to Trump Jr. was made by [convicted criminal] Peter Navarro, a White House adviser to President Donald Trump and a friend of Trump Jr.’s.” (Last September the DoJ dropped its previous position on Navarro’s contempt charge that landed him in jail. The DoJ “has determined that it is no longer taking the same position as the prior administration in this case.”)

Ain’t that a kick in the pants? A legitimate DoJ would thoroughly investigate this and so many other sweetheart deals that benefit the Trump Family Cartel, but I’m betting that you will not. When you look at yourself in the mirror each morning what do you see?

All of this blatant corruption and disrespect of presidential standards and the Constitution has caused me to increase my morning dose of Zoloft from 50 mgs to 100 mgs. Wine intake has increased at night and I can no longer get through a conversation without mentioning the word Trump. and throwing up a little bit. I have even contemplated consulting a Peruvian shaman or a healer in Sedona. An infusion of taxpayer cash from the Anti-Weaponization Fund would compensate for treatment of my mental breakdown. But only partly.

That brings me to the second request. My tax bills. Under Trump’s two terms my tax bill has increased significantly, along with the cost of groceries, gas, wine, and that all-important Zoloft prescription. Therefore, I would like the same deal that you cleverly slipped in as an addendum to the Trump v. the Internal Revenue Service settlement. You know, the one that exempts the Trump Family Cartel from the IRS “prosecuting or pursuing, any and all claims, counterclaims, causes of action, damages, examinations relief, requests for any relief, including injunctive relief, monetary or similar or related reviews, appeals, debt relief, costs, attorney’s fees, expenses…including trusts, parent, sister, or related companies, or which arise with affiliates, and subsidiaries…” Now that is some art of a deal!

In conclusion, I trust you will fulfill your promise to compensate those of us (well, me specifically) who have been victims of federal overreach, lawfare, and undue mental anguish. The check will help as I continue on my path toward healing.

Thank you for your attention to this matter!

Sending you all the respect you deserve,
Stephen J. Lyons