The Eleven Commandments, according to Donald J. Trump
A follow-up to last weekend's "Rededicate 250: National Jubilee of Prayer, Praise & Thanksgiving"
1. I am the LORD, your one and only God, who brought you out of the Swamp, out of the houses of Clinton, Hussein Obama and Biden. YOU SHALL HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE OR AFTER ME. And, for a limited time, my SIGNED Bible is now on sale for the reduced price of $59.99 plus postage.
2. My likeness and hair are copyright protected, here on Earth and in the heaven above and seas below, or is it the Earth beneath, or the water under the Earth? (HECK, I DON’T CARE, DO YOU!); you shall bow down to them and serve them. For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God (Got that Melania’s Secret Service detail!), visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third wife, of the first two of those who hate Me (even the dead one buried at my golf course) and our binding pre-nups and NDAs, and, but showing mercy only to those who love Me as does Elon Musk, Steve Bannon, Rudy Giuliani, the MY Pillow guy, Lady Lindsey Graham, and those other sycophants indicted, jailed, or not, who faithfully keep My commandments. PARDONS FOR ALL FOR A PRICE$$$!
3. You shall not take the name of Trump your God in vain, for I and my armed minions will not hold him guiltless who takes my name in vain or for profit.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, and keep it open like I do for 36 holes of golf at any one of my incredible courses of which exorbitant membership fees apply. The other six days you shall labor in cubicles and make barely enough to keep you afloat, and on the seventh day you must send me a check, cash, or money order to cover the East Wing Ballroom, ARCH de Trump, and the Reflecting Lake. For in six five four days I made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and many incredible luxury properties around the world of which you cannot afford to stay.
5. Honor your father (ME!) and all things Trumpian, and that your days may be just long enough upon the land that you shall BUY MY MERCH and then cast your vote for me and anyone I order you to!
6. You shall not harm or maim unless I order you to do so. Stand back and stand by. YOU WILL BE PAID HANDSOMELY AND WILL RECEIVE A GET-OUT-OF-JAIL CARD!
7. You shall not commit adultery, unless your loyal wife is heavy with child, or unless your mistress has appeared in various adult films. Send me photos of said mistress first and I shall decide your fate.
8. You shall not steal, but underestimating your properties and being too smart to pay your full tax bill is totally allowed. THE IRS CAN’T TOUCH ME!
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor unless that neighbor is of a darker illegal color and/or flies a flag/sign you do not like. Example: that wokish BLM yard sign and that disgusting rainbow flag. Then call me, and my people at MY DOJ LED BY THE INCREDIBLY LOYAL AS A HOUND DOG TODD B will take care of it for a substantial donation.
10.You shall not covet your neighbor’s house unless it is twice the size of yours and has an infinity pool; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife unless she is really HOT LIKE MY DAUGHTER IVANKA, nor his male servant (note: probably an illegal), nor his female servant unless she is equally or more ravishing than your neighbor’s wife or teenage daughter.
11.God (and Sleepy Joe) had a measly ten commandments, but His time has passed. So has DOPE LEO who wants Iran to have nukes! I have Kid Rock, Lee Greenwood, Vladimir Putin, the Supreme Court, the Department of Justice, half of Congress, the IRS, and a host of attorneys on retainer that might or might not get paid. Aside from the incredibly gorgeous Mary Magdalene, GOD HAD NOTHING! No merchandise, no public relations machine, and no bankable achievements. NOR DID HE END eight NINE WARS! NOT to mention all the pestilence and floods during HIS FAILED TERM! Face it, God was a STONE-COLD LOSER!, a bearded, unkempt lefty who spouted all that liberal word salad about compassion, forgiveness (forgiveness, WTF?), and humility (again WTF?). WAY TOO WOKEY! So, for my 11th Commandment: I implore you to buy my latest limited 2026 Donald Trump Assassination Attempt Trading Card, or my “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!” high-tops, my soon-to-be-released phone (any day now, ha, ha, ha) or my Victory 47 cologne. Trust me, you’ll smell better than anyone has ever smelled in the history of stink! MAKE ME RICH AS F**K AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
The White House